Trigger warnings: accident, severe injuries, loss of a loved one

Lalita opened her eyes. She could barely see anything. She blinked.

Once.

Twice.

Thrice.

But it still took a few moments for her vision to return entirely, and everything still seemed a little hazy.

She felt weak, almost like she hadn't eaten in days. Fatigue tied her down to the surface she was lying on. When she tried to call out to somebody, her voice sounded like a creaking old door. She attempted to clear her throat but her voice still remained quite hoarse.

"Vidya Akka..." Lalita managed to croak out. That was enough to rouse Vidya, who was dozing off in a chair that looked very uncomfortable to be sleeping in. She immediately rushed to Lalita.

"Lali! Oh, oh thank Mahadeva! You're awake!"

"Akka... water..."

"Oh–oh, yes of course!" Vidya immediately fetched a copper glass containing chilled water. She gently sat Lalita up and cushioned her back using a few pillows. "Here, drink slowly."

Lalita's awareness was slowly returning. Her abdomen throbbed. She couldn't move her legs without it hurting too much.

What even happened?

Vidya checked a still very confused Lalita's vitals hurriedly, while barking out a thousand instructions to her assistants.

"Akka..." Lalita was surprised at how feeble her own voice sounded. She rubbed her throat and continued, with no change in her voice. "Akka, what happened?"

"What do you remember...?"

She closed her eyes, trying to recollect memories.

Vidya Akka found me alone in my chambers, melancholic—it is almost a routine now. She suggested I go on a walk. "Nothing's going to get better if you sit here doing nothing all day. Fresh air can do you some good."

When she saw no changes in my dejected expression, she said, "how about a ride on your chariot?"

It was the best gift I'd ever received... from Amma, of course. A chariot with a design so uncommon, even Kattappa Mama had taken quite some time to get accustomed to it. But I figured it out almost instantly, almost like I was destined to be its charioteer.

Vidya Akka knew it would instantly brighten my mood to even mention it. I nodded at her suggestion in agreement with a slight sense of enthusiasm.

It was all fine until one of the wheels started making a strange noise. The horse on the left started neighing uncomfortably. When I tried to slow down, the front wheel on the left flew into the distance, detached from the chariot. The entire left side of the chariot fell apart—

Her eyes flew open.

"There was... there was something wrong with my chariot, and—"

"And you met with an accident, yes... There was so much blood, Lali... I thought we'd lose you."

The throbbing in her body increased and she started to feel a dull pain. "How many painkiller herbs have you given me?"

"A lot," Vidya held Lalita's hand. "I had to. There would've been too much pain for you to handle by now, if I didn't."

"Well, they're fading. I might need more."

Vidya nodded and stood up to get some medicine before Lalita held her back, gripping her wrist with whatever strength she was able to muster.

"You're hiding something," Lalita said as the pain started to intensify. "You haven't told me all that happened, did you?"

Vidya remained silent.

"Akka, tell me... tell me whatever it is," Lalita requested. "Please. Your silence is killing me."

Vidya slowly turned around. "I... Lali... I'm sorry."

Lalita's forehead was creased as she was flinching slightly, afraid to hear what Vidya was going to say. When the doctors said sorry, what followed was going to be terrible.

"You... you were exposed to the Vishakantaka herb. The ground was so full of it where you fell from your chariot. Your open wounds made the perfect ground for it to be absorbed."

Lalita closed her eyes and sighed, shoulders visibly slumping. She was going to have a few horrible weeks ahead. The Vishakantaka, literally the poisonous thorn, was popularly recognised as one of the worst ways to torture hostages, usually used on subjects who are defenseless and alone, to derive any important truths from them. The antidote was well-known, but slow to create any real impact. Besides, the Vishakantaka was also an adamant herb. With the large amounts of the poison that must be present in her body, Lalita knew it would be a long while until she would be free of its effects.

But this couldn't be all. She knew the look on Vidya's face. The matter couldn't be so simple.

"Is there something you are not telling me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean," Lalita insisted. "Akka—I know that there is definitely something wrong. Am I not entirely fine? You can just tell me, I can handle it—"

"Lali... No." Vidya was clearly holding herself back from an outburst.

"No?" She frowned. "Akka... please don't lie to me. Not right now, when I am really not capable of thinking straight."

Vidya looked away.

"Is it... is it something related to..." Lalita shuddered even at the thought, but asked the question anyway. "Did something happen to Baahu?"

"What?! No! He's fine and will return soon. We heard from him just yesterday."

"Then what is it?!"

"It's just—I sent some spies I personally know... to see what is going on in Hemavati."

"And...?"

"The attacks continue, though the deaths do not occur as often. Nobody knows the reason for it, but... but that's not the... not the most concerning part."

"Then get to the most concerning part!"

"There was a huge... blast, of sorts, in the woods near the port. It was so brutal, I was asked to go there by the Mahamantri himself. I..." Vidya just began to sob. She couldn't deal with this calmly anymore. She has been watching out for Lalita since she was born, for twenty one years now. Twenty one.

How was Vidya supposed to break this news to her?

"Just say it," Lalita said with a crack in her voice. Her throat burned with tears but they just wouldn't come out, for some reason. "Akka, just say it."

"...I'm sorry, Lali...! I... I tried so hard! I tried so hard to find him, we all did! But... but..."

By then, a part of Lalita already knew what Vidya would say, but she refused to believe it. She pushed the thought aside and continued pressing Vidya for the details. "Akka, I promise I don't blame you. Just tell me."

"Rudra... Rudra was supposed to be there. My spies saw him set foot into the woods right before..."

Lalita frowned, trying to sit up straighter. "R-Rudra... You found him! Is he fine?"

"Lali... Lali, I-I don't think he survived it."

"What?" Lalita knew what she heard. But she did not know how to respond. It was all feeling like a dream.

No, dreams are pleasant.

This was a nightmare.

She was living a nightmare.

Vidya only squeezed Lalita's hand in response.

But she did not shed a single tear. Not yet. She hadn't even fully grasped what Vidya's words meant.

"Is there... is there n-no possibility at all...? No possibility that... that he... su-" she tried to say, her voice so faint. She appeared so lost. "S-survived...?"

Vidya did not know it was still possible for her to feel her heart being broken all over again. As her eyes filled with more tears, she shook her head. "We didn't find a body, but..." she handed Lalita the ring that was akin to Rudda's insignia. A blue sapphire stone encrusted into a thick golden band.

A glimmer of hope managed to make its way into Lalita's eyes but faded when the ring was pressed into her palm. Fighting every thought that went in the most horrible directions possible, she managed to utter, "We... we still don't know for sure."

"Lali, you don't understand... There were just ashes and bones. Everywhere. I myself looked for hours, but—but..." Vidya sighed.

"But?"

And Vidya chose to blurt out the truth. Trying to find better words to convey a news so horrible only worsened matters. "If I can say anything with confidence, it is that there is no human that could have possibly escaped that place."

The words hung in the air that was thick with tension. Vidya feared—no, she knew this would break the girl before her. It had taken a while for the words to sink into Lalita's mind.

That's when she gasped, almost inaudibly. Her hands began to tremble and she could not sit straight anymore. She slumped back against the pillows, almost falling to a half-lying down position. "LALI!" Vidya held her and adjusted her position to a more comfortable one. "Lali... I'm so sorry..." she sobbed.

But Lalita stayed quiet for a long time. As though she was in some other world.

"Akka...?" she finally spoke again, her voice breaking. It took her great effort to remain restrained despite the lump in her throat that grew larger every moment.

"Yes, Lali?"

"Can you please do something for me?"

"Anything," Vidya patted Lalita's head.

"Don't tell Amma."

"But Lali—" Vidya got ready to argue but was interrupted quickly.

"Haven't you seen how she reacted when I 'eloped' with him? What do you think she's going to say when she sees me in this state... gri—grieving him? While the Vishakantaka poison ensnares me in its grip, unravelling my fears, wishes, and half-fulfilled dreams—leaving nothing behind?"

"She's going to come and help you. Nurse you back to health, even pull you back from the brinks of derangement if she has to. I am certain of it. Sivagami Devi can be stubborn, but she isn't cruel. Trust me, Lali. Right now, you need all the comfort you can get. And nobody can replace the kind of support you will get from her."

"I don't want it..." Lalita's eyes welled up, but she suppressed the tears. "I don't want her to know right now. I just want to be left alone."

"Lali—"

"You will tell no one about the poison, or the condition it is going to induce in me. Not Amma, not my Gurus. Absolutely nobody. Tell your assistants the same thing."

"I cannot promise that," Vidya stiffened.

"Please, I just need you to do this one thing for me. Promise me you will not tell anyone. Swear on me."

"Lali!"

"Please," she said, voice barely audible. "The last thing I need is sympathy. Or worse, more scrutiny..."

Vidya could not help but relent after seeing the look on Lalita's face.

But thankfully, the only person capable of cracking down Lalita's walls was going to arrive the very next day.

When Baahubali returned after having finished the mission successfully, Sivagami herself came to the gates of the palace to welcome him. Bhallaladeva, and even Bijjaladeva—although begrudgingly—came along too. So it did not sit quite well with Baahubali that Rudra and Lalita were not present.

He tried to act normal at first, but could not hold back from asking Sivagami where they both were. Sivagami's face instantly turned cold. She still hadn't forgiven Lalita. When she heard that Lalita met with an accident, she did not even care to find out the details. She assumed it was nothing huge and moved on. She avoided Baahubali's questions and kept praising his achievements.

Baahubali knew something was seriously wrong. It was very unlike Lalita to not come for him, no matter how tense things were. He exchanged a glance with Kattappa. All he wanted was to run blindly to Lalita's chambers and demand to know what was wrong, but was held back by formalities.

While Kattappa had to attend a short debriefing session in private with Sivagami and the Mahamantri, he had the opportunity to slip away unnoticed at the celebratory lunch with the council of ministers and other nobles. Slaves were, after all, forbidden to dine with royals; and this rule enabled the dear uncle to visit the girl he raised, unbothered by anyone else. But upon reaching her chambers, he was redirected to the medical wing, where he was filled in on the details of everything that happened over the past few weeks, by Vidya. But Kattappa did not know that Vidya left out details about a certain poison that induced terrible, unpredictable hallucinatory experiences.

Baahubali excused himself as soon as his meal was done, and practically leapt out of his seat to meet Kattappa, who led the prince to Lalita's current residence in the medical wing, while explaining to him all that happened. Or rather, explaining to the prince all that he knew of.

"What are you saying, Mama?!" Baahubali couldn't believe his ears when Kattappa informed him of the near-death experience Lalita had to undergo because of the accident. Especially when he learnt that Sivagami did not bother to find out how bad Lalita's condition was. "This—this... doesn't sound like Amma."

"But it's true, Baahu," Kattappa sighed. "And as far as I know, Lali doesn't even want to meet Rajamata."

Baahubali remained silent, frowning in deep contemplation with only one question on his mind. "What could have possibly gone so wrong between them in such a short period of time?"

"What truly breaks my heart is how lonely she looked... I knew she needed someone to talk to, but she forced me out of her ward after mere minutes of my arrival there."

"Did you really expect her to admit what she needs?!" He scoffed in incredulity, his gait gaining pace with each passing moment.

"I... I have a feeling she's hiding something, Baahu. Something terrible. The pain I saw in her eyes... it wasn't about the physical injuries. It was something else. As if she'd lost something. She wouldn't tell me no matter how I tried to ask."

"And you just couldn't be more assertive?"

"I thought it wasn't my place to—"

"Mama! How many times do I tell you that you're family?! Perhaps growing old is messing with your memory."

Kattappa rolled his eyes in fond exasperation. He was deeply grateful to Mahadeva for Baahu's presence in his life, but it got difficult when Baahu refused to understand some of the boundaries he had to follow as a slave to the throne. "Perhaps you are the only one who can get her to talk right now."

Before Baahubali could say anything, Vidya approached him, gasping for breath. "Baahu, when did you come?!"

Baahubali sat her down and handed her a glass of water. "What's wrong? Are you coming from Lali's chambers?"

"Her medical ward, yes."

Baahu closed his eyes; it was his controlled version of a grimace. "Right, her ward. Is everything alright? Why did you come here in such a hurry?"

"Baahu, there are things I can't tell you right now. Lali made me promise..."

"Seriously—why won't anybody tell me anyth—"

"You need to listen, Yuvaraja!" Vidya took an authoritative tone she usually only used with her assistants in a time of crisis. Baahubali was taken aback. "You are the only one who can help her right now. Please, go to her as soon as you can. She really needs you."

He heard a scream from far away. "Was that—"

"It's from her ward, yes...!"

Baahubali's heart raced as he broke into a sprint towards the medical wing of the palace.

What is wrong with you, Lali?!

Nothing could have prepared Baahubali for what he saw in the ward.

He had never seen Lalita so disheveled. She was staring ahead at nothing in particular, with an empty look in her eyes. Her braid was undone, hair tangled. Beads of sweat emerged on her forehead. She sat so still on her bed, one even had to look closely to make out whether she was breathing or not.

"Lali?"

She heard him, but she did not move.

"Lali..." Baahu moved closer to his sister. She was like the shadow of her former self. Not physically, but in her demeanour. She did not have that sharp look in her eyes, her impeccable posture, or the teasing affection she reserved for her loved ones. She looked like a shell that was cracked open, a chest whose treasures were stolen.

Baahu tried to cup Lalita's cheek but she turned her face away from him. "Go away," she whispered.

"Lali, I just came."

"Go away. Where were you when I was all alone and being forced into a marriage alliance I didn't want? When I had to face the scrutiny of the very people I am supposed to work with every single day? When I had nobody to speak to, nobody to share my woes with?"

Baahubali didn't interrupt her. He hoped this would bring out all her pain, to eventually make her reveal what she was so desperately trying to hide.

"Where were you when I almost died? You weren't here when it really mattered the most, Baahu! Where were you when I found out—" Lalita cut herself off before she spoke another word.

"When you found out what, Lali...?" Baahu turned Lalita's face towards himself. "You know that you can say anything to me."

"Can I?"

"Have I ever judged you for anything?"

"You probably will for this one."

That was when the hurt flashed in his eyes. Not when she accused him of 'leaving her alone' in times of trouble, because he knew she was just saying it because she was in pain. But now, when she said that she didn't trust him enough to be on her side, no matter what happened... something inside him broke.

Lalita immediately regretted her words. She winced. And the sobs began.

She finally let all the pain she'd faced for the past many hours pour out through her eyes.

"I'm sorry..." she choked out. "I–I'm sorry... I—didn't mean to—I'm so sorry..."

He immediately hugged her. "Shhhh, it's okay."

"No, it's not...! I was mad at everything else, but I took it out on you—the one person who would never wrong me...!"

"Then why won't you tell me what happened?"

Silence.

"Something happened. Something you are hiding from me. Something Vidya Akka knows."

More silence.

"Right, Lali?"

Even more silence.

"Lali, there's no point in trying to hide something from me. I will find out sooner or later. You know that. I want to hear it from you. Please."

"The Vishakantaka poison runs in my veins."

"That can't be all," Baahubali stated, almost instantly. He knew his sister, and her strength. He knew for sure that the scream he heard earlier was not solely born of a side effect of a poison. It couldn't have been. "Something... something made the poison worse, didn't it?"

Lalita did not answer.

Baahubali's eyes moved from Lalita, to the surroundings, the various medicines on the table beside the bed. The crushed blue water lilies on the floor—Lalita's favourite flower. She'd grown fond of them when Rudra gifted them to her once, back when they were just beginning to fall in love. The silk blankets were torn and the mattress was slightly ripped into. The dagger she stole from Rudra lay near the bedpost, almost as if it had to be dragged out of her hands.

And then his eyes fell back on Lalita. That empty look in her eyes was back as she stared at the floor. His gaze froze at the blue sapphire from Rudra's insignia ring, welded into her bracelet.

It was a ring that was supposed to be with him at all times.

Baahubali remembered a bit of a conversation he'd heard from among the people on his way to the palace. A piece of information that seemed out of context then, but made perfect sense now.

"The number of patients coming here in boats keeps increasing everyday... I hope Rudra returns soon."

"Lalita. You will tell me right now what happened, or I am going to Hemavati right now. I can find out for myself."

The blank look on her face was replaced instantly by a wild fear. "No! Baahu—"

"Then tell me what happened. Now."

And then no choice remained for Lalita, except telling her brother the truth. He would see any lie coming from miles away. So she described to him all the events that transpired in his absence. The marriage alliance from Vidarbha, her fleeing to Hemavati with Rudra, their secret wedding, and the mysterious deaths. How Sivagami—who was surely, according to Lalita, instigated by Bijjaladeva—alongside Bhallaladeva and other nobles had treated her as a blot on the empire's name.

And concluded with the news of the death of the man she had married just weeks ago. And her voice made it clear to him that she still refused to believe what she just told him.

"Oh... Oh, Mahadeva!" Baahu tightened his grip around Lali's shoulders. He could not imagine how she bore all the pain, especially with a poison that would intensify her agony manifold. Now he understood Lalita's disheveled appearance and the mess around her room, as he frantically gazed around everywhere, realisation piercing him with more force than any arrow could. His heart bled for his twin. Someone whom he should have shared everything with, but left alone when disaster struck their lives. "I should have come back sooner—no, I should have never left in the first place!"

Lali finally wrapped her arms around Baahu. "No, no, it's not your fault."

"But I should have been there for you."

"I did miss you."

"I'm so sorry, Lali..." Baahu's voice broke. Lalita hated it when she heard Baahu speak like that. It made her heart hurt when Baahu was sad.

"Don't cry. Please don't cry, Baahu... it's not your fault. It was never your fault."

Baahubali nodded silently. He sniffled once, but refused to let the tears fall.

They sat in silence for a while, in each other's embrace.

"Lali, can I say something?"

"The Heavens are going to collapse."

"What?"

"You're asking for permission," Lalita shrugged. "It must mean that the Heavens are going to collapse."

"The gods deserve it for putting someone like you through this much pain," Baahubali's palm cupped her cheek, his thumb brushing her cheekbone every now and then. "I think...I think we should tell Amma."

"No...!" Baahubali was taken aback by how panicked Lalita sounded. "I... Please, let us not... I—"

"Shhh," he rubbed her back. "Shhh, it's alright."

"No, it is not!" Lalita screamed. "I... Baahu, I—I cannot take it if she continues to see me as though I ruined everything—"

"Lali, she is our mother!" Baahubali pulled back. "She will not hate us—"

"Is that why she did not come to see me yet? She did not know of the poison, but she knew of the accident." Lalita gave him a look as if to ask, 'how are you going to defend that?'

"She should have checked on you," Baahu admitted. "She... she really should have. And she didn't. But don't you think she deserves a chance? What if she is going to listen if someone tells her—if I tell her?"

Lalita just glanced at Baahu's face before turning away. Thinking.

"Just one chance, Lali."

"If you are so confident, then I will not hold you back, but... but if she doesn't change then..."

"Then I won't bring this up ever again. And you'll have me either way—whether she's angry at you or not. This was never your fault either, Lali."

"Fine. Fine, tell her."

Baahubali immediately stormed off to Sivagami's chambers and demanded that he get her attention in private, before he explained to her everything that had happened in her absence. Everything Lali went through, alone. It was the only time Sivagami ever witnessed the fury of her beloved son.

"My sister needed a mother. But you weren't there. I guess all those nobles were right to consider us mere unworthy orphans," Baahubali used his brahmastra, referring to an incident that Kattappa told him about as a child. It happened a decade and a half ago, when some noblemen found it silly that Sivagami raised Baahubali and Lalita as her own. Angered, she had them banished from the kingdom.

Baahubali and Lalita would not be orphaned. Not as long as she breathed.

And so she ran to see Lalita in the medical wing, uncaring of the worried gaze of onlookers.

"Why didn't you tell me?!" she pushed the door open and screamed, crushing Lalita in a hug.

Lalita gasped. "I—Amma?"

Sivagami was hurt beyond measure that her daughter actually did not expect her presence there. "I'm—I'm... sorry, Lali," she managed to choke out.

Lalita did not know what to say in response.

"I'm sorry," Sivagami whispered.

Baahubali and Vidya were relieved. They thought that the mother and daughter would eventually go back to how they used to be, before everything happened.

Sivagami hoped so too, although she wasn't as sure.

But only one thought lingered in Lalita's mind: there's only so much an apology can fix.

Later that night, Baahubali carefully took her out of the palace after sleep took over everyone present in and near her ward. It was against every instruction Vidya had given to take care of the wounds, but Lalita did not mind. She was growing sick of the sandstone walls and the plain ceiling, so much so that it seemed more like a prison. To her, it resembled her mind; it was also holding her captive in the darkest thoughts.

They both sat at the largest lake in their city, legs dipped in the cool water. It was their childhood favourite spot to escape to whenever all paths seemed to close up and it got too difficult to even breathe. To exist.

Lalita leaned against Baahubali's shoulder. He responded by resting his head on top of hers. Waiting. He knew she wanted to say something.

"I don't believe he's gone," Lalita finally said. "That... that can't be... it's simply not possible. He's Rudra."

"Even if there's the slightest chance that he's alive, we'll look for him. I will go to the ends of this world or the next to bring him home. Even if it means that I won't make it back."

"Don't... don't say that."

Baahubali turned his head slightly to face her. Lalita glanced up at him, but did not move. She grabbed his arm and held it with all her strength.

"It's not a choice between you or him. I need you both. Losing one cannot be the cost of having another."

"Lali, you know I'll be fine—"

"I said, don't speak like that."

"Fine," Baahubali smiled, accepting his sister's orders as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "I promise to never leave you alone."

"Good."

"Besides, your face would be too miserable if I did. It would be too big of a curse for the world to bear."

Lalita did not wait even a moment before splashing water onto Baahubali's face. He would normally splash back until she would be in tears from exhaustion and defeat. But he let her win this one time.

Eventually, she declared victory and slowly curled up on the ground, resting her head on her brother's lap. Sleep had become a rare visitor since the poison began to burn her body, but now she welcomed it back like a long lost friend she was finally able to meet.

And for the first time in a long while, Lalita felt hope. Not a fragile, fleeting sense of optimism, but rather a confidence that emerged from her heart feeling like a butterfly, but grew to the size and strength of an enormous mountain that could never be shaken. It pervaded her very being and stayed with her even as her eyes grew tired and she drifted into the realm of sweet dreams and rest.

Phew, that was a loooong chapter, and very very angsty, and I hope you enjoyed <3

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